Sinope's Fiction: Ten Reasons Why I, Harry Potter, Should Not Date Draco Malfoy

Title: Ten Reasons Why I, Harry Potter, Should Not Date Draco Malfoy
Author: Sinope at (no spam!) gmail dot com
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Reasons why Harry should absolutely not date Draco.
Author's notes: This an absurdly fluffy birthday present for Tabiji. Many thanks to Jude and Lore for looking it over!
Disclaimer: This is an unofficial fan work. No profit was made; no ownership is implied.

1) Because Fred and George would never let me live it down. They teased me enough last Christmas, after I came back from the mission in Lyon with Draco, and that time, they only thought I'd picked up a French bird. (And note to self, could you please remember in the future how cataclysmically stupid it is to sort-of-accidentally snog your former-enemy-and-current-bitter-rival while on a potentially-life-threatening mission, then sort-of-accidentally forget to magic the lovebites off your neck? It wasn't like it was a particularly good snog - you'd think it was the first time he'd kissed a bloke.)

2) Because it would endanger my professional and single-minded focus as an Auror. I mean, look, Scrimgeour still hasn't forgiven me for the massive cock-up in Cardiff, and that was completely Draco's fault. If he hadn't "happened to drop in" on my hotel room at the exact moment I was stepping out of the shower, then I wouldn't have been so surprised I dropped my towel and fresh clothes, and he wouldn't have turned that ridiculous shade of pink, and I wouldn't have started stammering and blushing, and he wouldn't have closed the door to help me pick up the clothing, and I wouldn't have brushed against his - anyway. The point is, we were an hour late to the stakeout, and I had a rather nasty letter on my desk the next morning. Clearly, dating = getting fired.

3) Because Hermione would tell me "I told you so." Let's not underestimate this one. She's the one who believed Draco in the first place, when he said he wanted to spy for us, and she wouldn't let me hear the end of it when he went on to save my life two months later in Knockturn Alley. And now she's got it in her mind that he and I ought to go out together, which is naturally ridiculous. Just last week, she told me about a new club in Muggle London that "everyone's talking about," where "Draco and I" could have "fun." Obviously, going out with Draco is the last thing I can do if I ever want to look her in the face again.

4) Because I'm not gay. Granted, the Cho thing didn't go so well, and the Ginny thing petered off as soon as we tried the sex thing - but I really do like women! They have slim bodies, smooth skin, delicate hands, wide eyelashes . . . and yes, granted, all those thing also apply to Draco, but I'm sure that there's a woman out there who's just as pretty. I haven't found her yet, that's all. Additionally, let me refer back to reason number three, because Hermione still hasn't let up on casually mentioning the Quidditch Jocks of Bulgaria calendar she found in my bedroom.

5) Because he's a picky eater. Every time we've eaten dinner together - and they are working dinners, not dates, whatever Tonks says - he finds at least five things wrong with the meal. He likes his steaks so rare they get this disgusting red juice all over the plate, he refuses to eat anything that has parsley in it or on it, and the only kind of milk he drinks is chocolate. He hates Indian food, Chinese food, Italian food, and pretty much anything that isn't "classically prepared Continental cuisine." (And he always has to say that phrase as if I'd never eaten a fancy meal in my life. Git.) Basically, if we started going out on dates where I had to care if he liked his food, I'd lose the sweet pleasure of biting into a McDonald's hamburger and watching him cringe.

6) Because his face is pointy. It's not that I'm superficial, it's just something that I notice sometimes - usually about the same time that I remember that his chin is perpetually more clean-shaven than mine. The clean-shavenness is nice, I'll grant you, and especially helpful when the aforementioned chin is pressed against certain sensitive regions of my skin. (Must not get distracted.) Anyway, right when things are getting good, I notice the pointiness, and I can't stop thinking about it. Cheekbones, jawbones, pointy chin - everything is poking into me, and it's quite distracting. The relationship clearly isn't meant to be.

7) Because he refuses to say anything nice about me. I don't expect compliments all the time, of course; all I want is a little common decency. Like, "you look good" when I dress up for one of the Ministry events he keeps insisting I'm expected to attend. Or, "thanks, Harry" when I swallow and wait to rinse my mouth before kissing him. Or, "that was nice" when he rolls off of me and I can see that delicious look on his face, the one where his eyes are half-lidded and his lips are wet and limply smiling. You see what I mean? He's bloody stubborn and self-centered, no matter what presents he buys me.

8) Because he's a Slytherin. Yes, yes, all the House rivalry is a bit juvenile, but he was Sorted there for a reason, right? He's probably waiting for me to become his boyfriend so he can tie me to that four-poster bed of his, gag me with a silk Slytherin tie, prop me up on some pillows, spread my legs open, and . . . erm, hang on. . . Okay, much better. Um. What I'm saying is, you can't trust Slytherins. You never know what kind of perverse schemes they've been fantasizing about. For all I know, Draco's busy wanking off to that bondage scenario right now.

9) Because he has awful fashion sense. For someone who could afford the latest designers from Milan, he looks bloody ridiculous. First, there's the fact that he absolutely refuses to wear Muggle clothing - he says that the seams are "chafing" - to the point where he kept a glamour charm running for a month straight, that time we were undercover in Prague. (We aren't even getting into what he wore under the glamour charm, thank you very much.) Oh, and the I'm-in-a-romance-novel hair that he keeps tied back with a twee little ribbon? I don't care what Fleur says, it still looks silly.

10) Because he wouldn't love me. Who am I kidding, anyway? He's a Malfoy, and Malfoys don't love; they take what they want. Just because I have this stupid thing where I keep thinking about him, and just because he and I happen to have a mutual arrangement for physical satisfaction, it doesn't mean anything. Not to him, anyway. Really, what I need is to stop thinking about it. It shouldn't be that hard to think about other things and other people. The thing is, he has this thing he does, when he's thinking - he'll look downward and bite his lip softly, and he'll arch his fingers against each other and strum them in an unconscious rhythm, and if I count the beats carefully I can usually figure out which song is playing in his head. It makes me - nevermind. It's just that I watch him alot, and maybe that's why this is so hard.

finis.